Moms with Chronic Illness – How You Can Help

By on May 28, 2010 at 12:14 pm in Articles

Mommy moments come in all forms of days at the park, birthday parties with streamers, and gymnastics. All of these provide the perfect opportunity for mothers to let their little ones burn some energy as well as share in their latest challenges. As the segment of women who live with chronic illnesses such as diabetes and rheumatoid arthritis, proceeds to grow, however, so does the capacity to always participate in these spontaneous mommy moments.

For example, the National Fibromyalgia Association reports that fibromyalgia (FM) experts estimate that about 10 million Americans and give or take 5 percent of the population worldwide deal with condition symptoms commonly associated with FM, one of the fastest growing auto-immune diseases in the USA.  When I recently went to an adoptive mom’s playgroup, just within this niche group, three out of the six of the women there lives with a chronic illnesses.  Being aware of what a friend can and cannot do, and acknowledging that you know some days will have different obstacles and challenges, can make a significant impact in these mom’s ability to participate and feel comfortable with other mothers.

1. Find out the best times of day for play-dates or activities. This will vary from season to season (weather and heat can affect it a great deal); and it also is different from one illness to another. For example, for some moms, mornings are good and afternoons are wearing; for others they aren’t even moving or out of PJs before the clock strikes noon.

2. Be reasonable if she has to change plans, rather than bombarding her with guilt. Coping with a chronic illness means that every day is irregular. Last week I did nothing other than take a step and my knee locked up for four days. I did all the heat and ice treatments, took supplementary medicine and tried not to whine. But all my plans were canceled with no advance indication.

3. Ask her to enlighten what she’s well-situated to do. For example, you might say, “How far do you want to walk today?” and try to accommodate. Even though you can see the community playground from your house two blocks away, she may not be able to make it. Stairs may be impossible. I won’t even take escalators any more because of my knees, so I appreciate it when friends take the elevator with me. Walk at her pace, recognizing that she may have to take rest stops every few minutes even though you’ve only walked fifty feet. Do her a big favor and watch her kids for a few minutes. Standing for longer than a couple minutes may also be a challenge. Despite the pain of walking, it’s better for me than standing. Even though the line at the carousel looks like it’s only five minutes, she may need you to offer to stand in line and then let her jump in beside you at the moment.

4. Be well-mannered when asking questions about her illness. For example, ask, “What is your greatest challenge?” Don’t tell her about all the antidotes you’ve heard for her illness or about the products you sell that could cure her; or about your mother’s aunt’s neighbor who has the same illness but still is able to raise five children and work a full-time occupation.

5. Remember that straight forward things may be troublesome for her. For example, if you go to the lake, ask her if she would like to be dropped off while you find a parking spot. Many people are unable to plop down on the ground, so bring a few lawn seats so she isn’t the only one two feet above everyone else. Sun and heat can irritate her so she will need to find shade. Don’t expect for her to carry three lawn chairs, a cooler and your fourteen-month old daughter, even though you can carry all that and the pet. You don’t want to make her feel helpless, and she doesn’t want a fuss, but be aware that she may need a few special considerations.

6. Don’t suppose that she can watch your children meticulously, even for five minutes, unless she volunteers. Taking care of kids is exhausting and caring for her own may be draining the little strength she had left. Plus, if your kids are run out into the avenue, keep in mind that she may not physically be able to dash after them as fast as you could.

7. Plan activities that she can participate in. While you may love your stroller exercise groups, and mommy-and-me swim classes, these activities may not be options for her. Ask her what kinds of things she likes to do and then join her for these. Keep the activities under three hours; while you may spend six hours at the zoo, affirm that you completely understand she needs to get home. Don’t say, “A little more exercise may do you some good!”

8. Lastly, tell her what every mom desires to hear: “I don’t know how you do it. I really admire your perseverance and strength. You’re my champion.”

This article is by guest blogger, Lisa Copen who has lived with rheumatoid arthritis since the age of 24. Discover great new ways to encourage a chronically ill friend from Lisa’s book Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend . After years of pregnancy issues Lisa is blessed to be the mommy of a big-time busy and social 7-year-old son, through the gift of adoption. She lives with her family in San Diego and is the founder of Rest Ministries, Inc., the largest organization that serves people who are chronically ill in a Christian environemnt online. She is also founder of Invisible Illness Awareness Week.


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